A recent Twitter poll set up by queer icon Allison Moon sought to determine how self-isolation is affecting people’s libidos, by quizzing couples who are isolated together about how their fuck-frequency has changed. It didn’t surprise me that more people reported a loss of sexual desire than an uptick – but what did surprise me is that the majority of respondents said their libido had stayed more-or-less the same. This leads me to suspect that some factors of this situation are boner-killers, while others are… boner-igniters? (Is that a thing? Please don’t light your dick on fire.)
I will now elucidate some of the factors I think might be contributing to the libidinal ambivalence of our current era…
Pro: You have more free time to kill and fewer activities to kill it with. (Some of you do, anyway, if you possess a certain level of privilege in this situation.)
Con: Many other activities can easily trounce sex in the battle for your attention. For instance – free Met opera streams, Animal Crossing, vying for a coveted grocery delivery time slot, your distant relatives’ COVID denialism on Facebook, the endless scroll of bad news on Twitter.
Pro: If you’re isolated with your partner, you’re probably seeing way more of them than you usually are – and being constantly reminded of their cuteness, hotness and smartness can stoke the flames of your desire.
Con: If you’re isolated with your partner, you’re probably seeing way more of them than you usually are – and maybe they’re annoying the shit out of you.
Pro: Sex is an escapist endeavor, one you can throw your whole body and mind into so you don’t have to think about the coronavirus for a while.
Con: Sex? What’s that? All you can think about is the coronavirus.
Pro: Lots of sex shops have put their products on deep discount. (This is a boon for you, maybe, but notably not so great for the businesses doing it.)
Con: A sex toy is just another thing you gotta clean.
Pro: Your hands are cleaner than they’ve ever been, from the constant hand-washing. You can put ‘em inside somebody, no problem.
Con: Your hands are more dry and chapped than they’ve ever been, from the constant hand-washing. And most hand lotions aren’t vagina-safe.
Pro: The world is burning. Why not seize the day and fuuuuck?
Con: The world is burning. Why do anything at all?
Snarky nihilism aside, my point in writing this letter was to highlight that different people have different responses to stress and crises. I’m seeing (and writing!) a lot of articles and blog posts these past few weeks about how to keep your sex life poppin’ during the pandemic, but the truth is that you don’t owe it to yourself or anyone else to have sex if you don’t feel like it.
Furthermore, it’s okay if the responses you’re having to this situation are unprecedented for you – because the situation itself is also unprecedented. Your libido might be doing a weird ‘n’ wacky thing right now that doesn’t fit into your usual view of yourself and your sex life, whether that means it’s blasting off, shutting down, or going haywire. That is fine. Let your body and brain do what they need to do as you process this traumatic experience. If that’s sex, great. If not, great. You do you (even if that means not “doing you” at all).
Sending you my love, my support, and my solidarity. 💋